


i can't feel the way you do

by Jay_Crow



Series: you can't explain (everyone wants you to explain) [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Aromantic, Cupioromantic Character, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Insecurity, Internalized Arophobia, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 17:10:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Crow/pseuds/Jay_Crow
Summary: Roman has always known who he is, and his purpose. Only… understanding oneself isn’t nearly so easy as that.





	i can't feel the way you do

**Author's Note:**

> Roman’s views of himself are not my views of him. This is simply the way I would imagine him reacting (and also some of my own projection).

Roman, for as long as he can remember, has always strived for perfection. Some might call that a “problem” or “unrealistic, Roman, you should manage your expectations better.” And sure, maybe that mindset has lead to more than a few late nights and last-minute frantic working, but sometimes creativity works better under pressure! So really, it’s a good thing, and he should keep doing it. And maybe, just maybe, if everything he made was perfect, then he could be perfect (or at least somewhat better) too. After all, there were… a not-insignificant number of issues that he needed to work on concerning himself. He was… more aware of that, now. Besides, everyone else’s problems were much worse than his, so he shouldn’t bother them with his own paltry problems (even if sometimes he desperately wished he wasn’t so broken).

When Roman had come into existence, he hadn’t appeared as he did now. Of course not, considering that the Sides had started as children alongside Thomas. But it was different for Roman. His body hadn’t made sense for who he was. As soon as he learned how, he shapeshifted into a form more befitting that of a prince. None of the others ever knew about this. They simply thought that he had been a late bloomer, or something. Roman didn’t plan on telling them. It wasn’t because of a lack of trust, or fear of a bad reaction. It just felt like something private, something he should keep to himself. And so far, his instincts hadn’t led him wrong yet! (…Maybe once or twice)

There were… other things that Roman kept hidden. Insecurities that he hid beneath his veneer of princely bravado. As far back as he could remember, which was pretty far, Roman had never been in love. He had desperately wished to be, had searched his heart for the feelings that had to be there. On occasion, he had even convinced himself that what he felt was indeed romantic love, only to be proven wrong when his feelings didn’t shift from platonic friendship. All of his ideas for how to woo a potential partner fell through under the scrutinization of reality. They were too over the top, too fantastical. And there were never any true feelings behind those gestures. Somehow, Roman had managed to scrape through those scenarios with no one guessing that he had no idea what he was doing, and he wanted to keep it that way. If he, the romantic side, couldn’t feel romantic love, then what was he? Sure, he still had creativity and passion, but romance was a pretty big part of what he based himself around. And he had already failed before in the creativity department, no matter what anyone else said. So Roman was determined to hang onto this area of expertise. No matter what.

Roman was a damn good actor. It was a point of pride, as well as a useful skill. It had helped him keep up this facade of being able to understand romance this long. But that all seemed to fall apart during that Valentine’s Day video. It was at that point that he realized that he wouldn’t be able to keep this up forever. Roman hadn’t even been the one to solve the issue then; it had been Virgil (then Anxiety) who had gotten them through it. At the time, he’d been… well. Upset would be a mild word. But now, with a better understanding of himself… he was still a bit perturbed, but mostly just disappointed. He should have been able to cover up, as it were, better than he did.

It was only now, more than a year after that disaster of a video, that he was able to put words to what he’d been feeling for ages. Roman could have slapped himself for being so oblivious. Instead, he settled for staring incredulously at a list of identities and their definitions put out online for Pride Month. Right there, a little bit under aromantic, was a word that near-perfectly described his experiences. He’d originally been looking for ideas for a video, and had been idly scrolling through websites in the hopes of being struck with inspiration, when he found it. _Cupioromantic_ , he thought to himself. _Doesn’t have a bad ring to it_. Roman’s immediate thought was to tell the others. But a sudden spike of dread quickly followed. Of course he couldn’t tell them. This would just be one more disappointment in a long line of disappointments. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if they looked at him differently. No, it would be better to keep this to himself, and keep acting like always. After all, it was the one thing he was good at.


End file.
